Damaged Goods (About Me)

So, I have had a few people asking about me, and while I have shared bits and pieces here and there, it seems I get more and more questions.

So, I have decided to tell you about who I am, the real person behind the stories, and maybe that will help clarify others thoughts on why I would do things like I have done.

One quick word, some people might read this as a "boo hoo, poor me", or try to eek and gasp and "you poor thing" me. As you read this (Well, if you actually do so), please remember one key thing:
I am honestly, truly happy with the person I am today, and although I have done many things that others might regret, I honestly do not regret, not because I would have rather have avoided things that happen to me, but because everything that I have done, seen, and had done to me makes me the person who I am today, and right now, today, I enjoy who I see in the mirror looking back at me (Yes, I like Mulan). So you can leave your sympathies, your condolences, your "OMG That is soooo horrible"s, but that is not why I am writing this. I am writing this so you can understand my world a little better, and what makes me who I am today.

Anyways, on with the show (And remember, this is not a sexy little story, so you might want to skip it all together if you just want hot, slutty, sexy stories).

So, I think everyone has played doctor when they were young, with the neighbor boy or girl. You show me yours, I show you mine? House? There are many names, but all the same idea, kids finding out about the opposite gender.

However, for me, this step was bypassed.

I was 6 years old, and my babysitter was the lady across the street. She had two teenage sons. I apologize, I do not remember their exact age, but one was younger, either 14 or 15, and the other was older, either 16 or 17.

One day my babysitter drove me and her two sons to the store, with instructions to wait in the car. The older one suddenly told me he wanted me to suck his dick, threatening me that he would tell his mom that I tried to if I didn't. I do not remember exactly what he threatened, but I seem to remember it was something along those lines. I had no clue what was going on (I was six...), and after remembering it later in my life, went absolutely ballistic (I actually asked my mom if she remembered the boys, if she knew where they could be found, because I wanted to take my dad's gun and shoot them). My mom informed me that at that time I demanded that she not babysit me anymore, and I was old enough to take care of myself (I do not actually remember this myself, just know from what I was told).

To make matters worse, I made a stupid decision on who to tell, my older cousin. Hindsight being 20/20, it was not a smart decision, but I was afraid to tell anyone. So, one day when I was at my cousins house (She is 2~ years older than me), I told her what I did to the two guys. and she told me what I did was evil and wrong, and I shouldn't do that. So, now I had done something wrong, and I was going to hell (Part of my family is very religious).

After working with my psychologist, and after I remembered this, I began to find out what had happened to me. As I was told by her, when something like this happens at a very young age, it sexualizes you. Basically, to me, sexual behavior was how I expressed love. Now some people might laugh at this point because, duh, you share yourself intimately with someone you love. But, step back and think about this for a minute. How do you express love for your cousins? How do you express love for your friends? How do you express love for your favorite teacher? For me, it was sexually, I had no idea how to express myself another way. I guess we can say that I got stuck at a certain period in my social awareness growth, with something that was done to me that I cannot remember (I didn't remember this until three years ago, when I turned 18. I can still remember completely loosing it as I talked to my mom about it).

Now no, I did not portray my love for parents, aunts, uncles, etc in this way. You will need to ask a psychologist about this if you want to know more, since even I do not understand why it made me think the way I do, but to me, you expressed love to those your age range in this manner.

Before this incident, I was the outgoing girl, one of the popular kids. After this, I withdrew into myself. I became introverted, quiet, withdrawn.

I started doing things that were unusual for my age. While others would whisper to each other in class, passing notes, etc (honestly, I only remember bits and pieces of most of my childhood, and some of the things I am remembering now is from either alot of psychologists visits or because of me writing my stories here, which is why, after discussing a little with someone on tribe, I decided to write this particular blog entry. They say opening up is the most therapeutic way to deal with your demons), I was pulling up my skirt and pulling down my panties. I was crawling around under the bus seats and doing things a child should not do. You can understand why my social life in school went from hero to zero (yes, I like lots of Disney movies).

I started getting picked on, bullied, becoming the strange girl no one wanted anything to do with.

By the time I was 7, I had started taking off my clothes and running around naked, hiding from people. I can't say it made sense, doing something and trying not to get caught. I think was how my exhibitionist kink started.

By the time I was 9, I was playing house too, but not the normal, healthy kind. Instead, me and a boy down the street were trying to do the things we saw in his sisters hard core adult magazines.

When I was 13, I ended up in my dads travel trailer with three of the neighbor kids, where we would close the door, then start taking off each others clothes.

At another point, I lost my only friend when I tried to kiss her. Yes, many of the guys here will say "But a girl on girl kiss is so hot!", but not when you are 13 years old, not when the other girl is a perfectly normal, non-damaged person. She freaked, and I went through pretty much junior high as the butt of the joke, as the odd girl no one wanted anything to do with, unless it was playing doctor.

Now, I am sure that there are many things I have forgotten, or things that I may or may not someday remember. But, I guess now you have an idea of why I am damaged.

I lost my virginity at the age of 14, halfway through puberty. At 15 I got into the drug scene. The good part is, we moved to the other end of the valley, so I was able to apply some of the things I learned not to do (I said my social growth was stunted, not dead), but I was still that weird girl with no self esteem, the butt of the jokes. Hair pulled by the boys, bra snapped, fights with the other girls, humiliated, tripped, poked, punched, even followed home a few times so they could torment me more. Pushed down, kicked, stuff thrown at me, called every name you can think of. I was luckily able to escape the "slut" image (not saying I was chaste, just that I was very careful, and for the most part avoided boys my own age, and by this point, wanted generally nothing to do with anyone at school).

So, here was me, 15, craving positive attention, and wanting to feel like I was somebody. I found myself with older lovers. They were more attentive, they seemed to like pleasing me, and they did not demean and ridicule me. I had found what felt like some sort of validation of myself. I held no delusions, I knew what they wanted, but I could forget that, especially in those times that I was the center of their world. I know someone will cry something about a "bear", but lets face it, it was better me, someone who knew what she was doing, than someone who was still young and innocent.

For the drug scene, I have done pretty much everything you can imagine that does not include needles. I have a particular taste for coke, crank, meth. But I have been drunk, stoned, tripped on LSD, tripped on shrooms, high on x, done speed a couple times, and a few other things I cannot remember off the top of my head. I was stoned pretty much anytime I was awake, and the others depended on what was available. Guess I even came close to being a coke whore at one point.

Once when I was 15, and another time when I was 16, I tried to commit suicide. Honestly, I wanted to, but I also did it in a way that I was almost sure to be found and "saved". Looking back on it, I think it was more of a ploy for attention than a full hearted attempt.

Sexuality for me became a connection to other people, a connection I didn't have any other way. Remember the whole love/sex thing? I have been with 5 different cousins (before you eww at me, they were not related by blood, but by my dads adoption of me).

I felt good there, being the object of guys attention. If lust was the only positive emotion I could get, then lust it was.

I also want to let you know right up front, I will not tell you my age when I did the things I did.Why? Because, you look at the world today, and you have teenagers going through their puberty, being charged with the crime of having a photo of themselves, or sending the photo to another. You have people exhibiting normal behavior, being a stupid teenager, and getting a criminal record. How much more for me, over the age of 18, describing what I did, when I was underage?

All the things I would do eventually turned me into the kinky, naughty person I am today. However, there is the complication. You see, I love my husband with all of my heart. He is the one who honestly made me feel a sense of self worth without the usual emotions I received from men. He complimented, me, not to get in my pants, but because he genuinely felt that way. He believed in me when no one else was able to. He is utterly devoted to me, treats me with respect, and always does his best to take care of me. He makes me feel safe, secure, and utterly loved. But, there is one area where he is lacking. He is a good guy, who likes traditional things, and the sexual preferences I have developed over my life is something that he cannot handle. O, he enjoys making love (Really, he does have a penis after all!), but I find I have a larger sex drive. Forget trying a three way, I have offered, and he either treats it like a joke and then goes on to another topic, or acts like he wasn't listening.

This is where those of you come in. You see, now that I actually feel good about myself, I have found enjoyment in remembering all those things, in fantasizing about all those things I would love to try. I am dirty and naughty, but enjoy it now, instead of it being my dirty little secret. Will I try more fantasies? No, it is not worth it. But, I can have these fantasies here, with you. I can flash a few naughty bits, get into bathtubs full of cum, see what I can do with a snail here, with you. Because honestly, I am not willing to give up everything I get from my love for a few more kinks.

That is where my imagination comes in. I cannot stop my mind from running naked, wild, dirty, naughty, doing things that I have done, things I would like to try (I do a few things still without crossing that fine line, like rubbing up against someone "accidentally"=P), and things I like to imagine but would never try. Even things that would probably kill me if I tried. For those, I have my words, your attention, and hope that, although I cannot bring my dirty little mind to reality, I can help paint you a dirty little picture that will hopefully help you release your needs, fulfill your desires, and bring you joy to read and reread as you visualize all of your, and my, dirty little stories. Remember, it is our dirty little secret. (´ε｀ )♡