To rape a mockingbird

So, recently, I have received requests from someone to tell them about being raped. The about me was hard enough, at least I only remember spots here and there. However, I fulfill writing requests, and it would probably be therapeutic to get it out there. I can't really write this as a story. I don't want to sit back, close my eyes, and think about the details, but I remember it vividly. So, I don't need to reach into my memories to write it. So, here is what happened the first time I was raped. I was 14.


He always picked on me, bullied me. I don't know why I was his primary target, and have to wonder, if I didn't exist, would he even be happy? Seemed to me that bullying me was the extent of his life.

I lived close enough to school that I didn't need to take the bus. Good normally, because I could just walk alone, not put up with people. This time though, it turned out, not having the safety of a bus would be worse.

He followed me home, taunting me, teasing me. The first time he had ever done this, had pushed it so far.

I got home, him calling me names, hitting my back, yelling at me. I went inside my house, so upset I went upstairs. Got my dad's hand gun. He was still in my front yard, yelling obscenities at me. I still never really understood why he would continue doing that, but I was so fed up.

I brought the gun downstairs, opened the door, told him to get the hell away from my house. Leave me alone. I guess I pushed him too far. He hit my hand, knocked the gun away, then jumped on it, picking it up, turning it towards me.

I tried to run into my house, tried to close the door behind me, lock it. He kicked it. I hadn't gotten it completely locked yet, and so with the bolt only a little in, not enough to secure it, it bounced open.

He charged me, took the gun and swung it at me. I moved purely by reflex, so I did not take the full blow, but enough. I ended up on the floor, spots swimming before my eyes, brain slow, sluggish.

He jumped on me, yelling at me, ripping at my clothes. I don't even remember what he was saying, just what he was doing.

Couple punches when I tried to stop him. Yelling at him to get out, to leave me alone. Then, no more pants. No more panties. And he was undoing his pants. Pulling his penis out. Forcing my legs open, punch to the stomach knocking the air out of me. I had so much trouble trying to breath. Then he was on top of me, pulling my legs apart. Pushing himself inside me. I hurt. Nothing to lube me, just raw, hateful sex. Not sex for pleasure, but sex for humiliation. For control. To put me in my place. It was over quick. He came, slapped me a couple more times, then did up his pants and left. I was left to cry on my living room floor.

This is the first time I have ever spoken of it, other than to admit I had been raped twice. So, I you guys know what even my family has never known. I was always ashamed. I always felt it was my fault. I went to far. I paid the price. I understand better now, but didn't then, just knew it was all my fault.

Bad boys, sometimes they are just rotten...(News Reactions)

Warning: This is not one of my experiences, this is my thoughts on some news stories. If you don't want to loose more faith in humanity, I suggest not reading. If you are just here for my naughty exploits, and not for real tragedy (This is one reason I almost never read the news), then again, I suggest moving on to an article that does not have "News Reactions" in the title or label.

This is just sad: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/09/rehtaeh-parsons-girl-dies-suicide-rape-canada_n_3045033.html

And to add to the sadness: http://thechronicleherald.ca/metro/1122345-who-failed-rehtaeh-parsons#.UWPfLERNjaM.facebook

See, I know how a girl like her would feel. I have been in that place before. I have had my own personal experiences of being violated against my will. I hate to see things like this done to people, but I also hate to see people pushed so far they decide nothing is better than living. I have been there, I understand it, but I wish there was some way to prevent it.

If you are on the edge, ready to take that final solution, for gods sake, talk to someone. I have personally tried myself, and I am happy with who I am now, happy that I did not succeed. Yes, I am scarred for life. Don't believe me? Read about the things I have done right here in my very own blog, and you will understand that I did not simply walk away from certain events unscarred. But, even with all the bullshit, even with all the things that gave me nightmares and left me wanting to do nothing more than to forget everything completely, or end it all, I am still the person today, not in spite of what happened to me, but because of what happened to me, and today, I love my life.

You do deserve to live, to be happy. You can get over all the garbage, the damage, the pure anguish. A permanent solution to a temporary problem means the loss of another world, for we are each a world unto ourselves, each precious and unique in our own ways (Yes, someone probably wants to tell me that "we are all precious little snowflakes, just like everyone else" as if trying to prove that everyone is alike, but look at people honestly, and you will see that even those things we do that might be similar or exactly the same as another, is combined with other things that is not the same. Call it a unique combination of non-unique personal traits if you want, but I want you to show me two people who are exactly the same in every single way). And if you are thinking about doing this and really need to talk to someone, shoot me a private email. I am a real person, with real feelings, not just some autonomous android robot sex girl. While my blog is dedicated to my naughty exploits, I care about more than you see here. This is just a single, small part of who I truly am.

And if you are the bully, if you are the victimizer, please stop. Is short term gratification worth the consequences if/when you get caught? Think about what these boys lives will be like now, until the day they die. Do you honestly think they would have done the things they did if they knew they would be caught? Do you honestly think you would want to deal with the consequences? The internet is full of naughty things that can tantalize even the most deviant people among us. There is no reason to ruin your or your victims life.

Please remember, fantasies are great. Organize them, engage in them, find some videos of them (please try to make sure it is a fantasy production, not a real life video, since the real videos being spread just gives more incentives to exploit real people, and remember, especially if your a woman, to be safe, make sure you have your safe words, and protect yourself from a fantasy turning into a reality by engaging in it with a person you know and trust completely, preferably a spouse). Fantasize, organize, materialize, but please, please, don't ever engage in the reality. This is just horrible, and it makes me feel sick.

Leave your comments below, or if you are just here for my personal stories, avoid this article completely.