Hmm, I guess I felt hurt. I know, not something that is sexy (well, unless you are into seeing girls cry). I put up a poll, and kept checking it. Yet, no one even bothered to click an answer. I kept getting more upset.
Anyways, yesterday, I tested it myself. And, found that it didn't work...so, I am the idiot. Sorry, please be patient, I don't really know all this coding stuff. I just followed some instructions and posted it. I guess I messed it up. Stupid me...
Also, I admit, I have been feeling a bit hurt out of the little response I have had to my offer to let someone grope me on the subway were I live in real life. I have had a couple people email/message me, but have received no other comments/emails/etc. I felt like no one really cared. I know, first world problems, I am upset because no one is telling me how they want to grope me.
I understand, after thinking about it for a while. I mean, if accepted, the person would have to travel to a foreign country (I doubt I have many readers where I live). Then, they would have to perform an illegal act in a public place. I am not sure if it would even be possible to set it up so neither me nor the other person would risk getting in legal trouble. So I understand that no one would be very willing to actually take part. I guess I was at least hoping to hear from some people about how they would imagine it.
For the story, I know I have a thought post where I post about it, but I wanted to explain myself a little in here, while I am getting things off my chest. I know some will be repeated, but please bear with me, or just skip the rest.
I have been that party girl before, getting high and not knowing what happened after a certain point. I have woke up with that total and complete stranger, and asked myself wtf did I just do, only to get drunk/stoned/etc the very next day and not remember what I did that next day either. I have months that I don't remember from when I was using drugs. So, this story is based in some of my past reality.
The main character in the story is a shallow, self absorbed bitch on purpose. I guess it is a reflection of my negative feelings towards those popular girls in high school, the same ones that teased me, that belittled me, that took my stuff to play keep away, that decided to beat me in the playground. God I hated high school...
So, I guess this story also lets me put the "popular girl" in situations where I have been, or situations where I can humiliate them. I know it isn't politically correct, but fuck that, this is my story. The character will have the blackout periods, where she will act in ways she normally wouldn't because she would normally be self aware that it would damage her reputation. But hey, enough drugs, and I know from personal experience that your brain flies out the window, and you do shit you normally wouldn't. Remember, I have sold my body for drugs before, I know how low someone can sink just to get high one more time.
I will try to make it clear by showing something like "I woke up, not remembering much past the first hour, and dancing." So, show that she doesn't remember. But, I also admit, I have my slight kink, at least in fantasy (I faced it too much in reality to want it anymore in reality) for being humiliated. It probably stems from my own self destructive history, my own self loathing, and probably many other issues I have. I would need to find a psychologist to even try to find these answers. I have before, so I know a few of them, but I still have many issues that have never been addressed.
As for the blackouts, and the reasons she does some things that would not be normal behavior, well, that is to explain what I want to fantasize about, yet try to keep it imaginable. Here is a lesson: Girls do things to make themselves happy. But, it comes with many tradeoffs, especially around sexuality. Society says "let a girl do what she wants with her body, without being judged". Yeah, as if that is the reality. We don't often match reality with ideology, us humans. I have had many guys tell me "I don't judge you based on what you do with your own body", and yet, almost all (There may be some genuine people, but it is rare) will do so. A girl has sex, it is judged. Maybe not always consciously, but society still judges. One reason I write these stories. When I was in high school, trust me, most of my peers wanted nothing to do with me. I was outcast. I did stupid crap and killed my reputation. Remember, my parents had to move because of my actions, to protect me. So while we like to say we support a woman's right to do what she wants with her own body, that is not what actually happens.
If I eat too much, I get judged. If I wear the wrong outfit, I get judged. Too much skin, I am a slut/whore/whatever. Too little skin, I am a prude. Look at rape culture. While the crime itself is still normally punished if proved, society itself still asks questions, many of which do not matter. What were you wearing? Were you drinking? Why were you out that late? Were you leading him on? Did you enjoy it?
Here is a hint: While we do sometimes dress up for a man, most of the time we dress up for:
1. Ourselves. We like to feel sexy.
2. Other women. I guess you would need to be a woman to understand this one. Think of it like a competition. We try to outdress each other. Herd mentality I guess?
So, I use these as a way to imagine my fantasy in a society that, while giving lipservice to a woman's rights to her own body, does not really give a woman rights to her own body. Not from a societal view anyways.
Smile.
Speak politely.
Don't wear too revealing of outfits.
Don't eat too much.
Don't put on too much makeup.
You didn't use any makeup, don't you care about how you look?
I prefer blonds.
If you are assertive, you are a feminist nazi whore
If you are passive, men can do whatever they want to you
If you want to stop, and the man doesn't want to, well, you shouldn't have started.
If you go out in sweats, you don't care about yourself or your appearance.
If you have a baby without a man, you need a man to take care of you
If you have a baby without a man, you are a slutty whore
If you have an abortion, you are, well, many things...even though for some reason it is always the woman's fault, as if no man was involved at all...and it is always her burden...even though it takes 2 (Not counting artificial insemination here...)
I won't even touch rape apologies...
These are just a few of the many, many, many things society judges women on.
So, I like to paint a picture where I can do anything I want without being judged.
Anyways, I will shut up now, and just leave the note:
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